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The Unicorns. |
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I hate the heavy feeling I get in my stomach when I eat. It's horrid. Besides, you've got to be thin to be beautiful, right? That's what I've been told. Some people can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. I'm not that way. I have never and will never be that way. And I have excepted that. But I can't just allow myself to want me. If I gained fifty pounds no one would even think about touching me. Oh it all about personality. That's bullshit any everyone knows it. It's no longer about your feelings, your likes, dislikes, sense of humor anything. It's all about your body and how much appeal you have to someone. Not everyone is going to like you. It happens. And yeah it hurts. But it hurts even more to know they think your ugly.
Our to have the memory of being that little chubby boy in your class. The one who would sit by himself at the wall at rescues because he didn't have any friends. Never having the guts to talk to someone. Afraid they would will just laugh at you. Call you names and walk away. Never eating at lunch. Your hungry but you still don't eat, just so the other kids won't see you. Just trying to avoid a comment, or a snicker. Then going home. Your mother gives you your snack and she asks for more. Do you know how much it sting when your mother tells you that you can't have more. And that she wants you to go play outside to burn some calories. So you go outside and just hit behind the barn. Sitting there crying softly. Then after everyone is asleep you go into the kitchen to eat whatever you can without getting caught.
And that day comes where your sitting infront of the mirror. Balling your eyes out because you realize everyone was right. So you stop eating. Not even because you want too. You just want people to be nice to you. You want to make friends, and you want your mother to tell you what a cute little boy you are. And you learn tricks as you grow older and lose weight. Tricks about how to stifle your hunger. How to make yourself throw up. You learn about diet pills. And it's gotten so bad you have been hospitalized for anorexia 2 times in the past 2 years.
I'm not cocky, I'm the most insecure person you will probably ever know. I can just hide it. So go ahead and tell me I'm cocky, and that I'm heartless, that I care about nothing but myself in my looks. It's your voice I will have ringing in my ears as I bend over the toilet later to get rid of my dinner.
"Pete, please you need to eat."
No.
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yay_peterpanda's journal
tired
disappointed
cold